Stepchild Snowboards

Growing up nothing sucks more than when one of your parents run astray and end up bringing a random sketchball into the living situation. Stepmoms are pretty easy to deal because if they overstep their boundaries you call them a bitch and they start crying, end of story. But Stepdads are a completely different story; those guys are fucking dicks and enjoy every minute of it. My friend Heath had one who from all accounts was a lazy slob who sat around the house all day issuing tasks and chores while he sat in front of the TV picking his toes. Dude even had me out doing lawn work one day.

Recently I’ve found myself filling the role of a Stepfather. Though we’re not married I pretty much signed on since knocking his mom up with one of my own. One would have thought that I would have compassion due to my past experiences but I must admit the feeling of power that comes with taking on such a role is intoxicating. Little nuisances like taking out the trash or doing the dishes are no longer mine to deal with. It’s also helped bring balance to my life. Rather than have snowboarding consume my thinking now I find myself dreaming up odd punishments. Like picking up and holding the turd that he forgot to flush or making him stand in a dark basement whenever I step barefooted on a stray Lego. I will admit however that there is a slight fear as his real father was a man of large stature. Really the only thing standing between me and my eventual slaughter is a growth spurt combined with teenage angst fueled by rock music.