TRICK TIP: Outsmartin' the Law

I consider myself a semi-decent citizen. I hold the door open for old folks, I feel bad for fat people and I pay my child support. Probably my only quirk with law enforcement (or rather Minnesota law makers) is auto insurance. At least you know your taxes are going to street maintenance or rehabilitating drunken retards, whereas your insurance money is just going to some rich asshole. Chris Rock best defined insurance as “in case of shit.”

Currently, I’m driving with expired tabs and no insurance*. On the rare occasion that I do purchase a plan it’s usually only to cover my ass for a “No Proof of Insurance” ticket. In other words I’m pretty edgy to say the least when it comes to carousing around highways and biways. Here’s a little something I stumbled across accidentally that’s saved me countless times.

1. First of all, this trick is all about confidence. If you don’t think you can pull it off don’t bother trying. But if you think you got it and are willing to throw down go to www.statetroopersdirectory.com

2. There you’ll see a listing of all our country’s great states. Click on yours via the Trooper’s Association official arm patch design. Squat down like your taking a dump.

3. There should be a phone number or a link to hit to for FAQ’s (Frequently Asked Questions). Wind up and either call or click and tell them that you would like make a contribution or donation to your local Trooper Association.

4. For a mere $15 you should receive a bumper sticker bearing a motto something to the effect of “Buckle Up and Live” or “Child Seats Save Lives”. Grab with your back hand and find your state’s trooper logo below the aforementioned message by looking over the shoulder in the direction your spinning.

5. Next, you’re going to need to spot your stickers placement. I chose the tailgate on the driver’s side because in most cases the officer pulling you over will spot it immediately on their walk up to your vehicle. You may not yet realize it but this is the most important aspect of the entire trick.

6. When you’re asked, “Do you know why I pulled you over today?” respond respectively and truthfully such as, “Yes, sir I was going over the speed limit”, but be sure and add a twist like “because my grandma missed the bus to her doctor’s appointment”. In the case you’re in full gear, simply state “I’m in a snowboard contest and I’m running a little behind.” Remember this shits in the Olympics now…for all he knows you could be the next Tomato Paste.

7. Prepare to stomp this bitch. Your semi-truthfulness combined with the fact that he scoped your official sponsor of the highway patrol bumper sticker (his paycheck) is most likely going to result in nothing more than a warning. If you’re lucky, you may even receive a high-speed police escort to your destination.

8. Remember that this isn’t a guaranteed fool-proof plan. Just like anything it takes practice, patience and persistence. Now get out there and stick it to the man, kid.

*The author of this tip has since had his drivers license revoked. Long story but if you do end up in court it’s usually an automatic 30 day revocation whether the judge tells you or not.